The promise that wasn’t a promise
For the first few days after Ridhwan left for Lagos, I convinced myself that nothing had changed.He was simply busy. That was all.
He had finished his final examinations. He had travelled home. His family would obviously want his attention. There were relatives to visit, people to greet, celebrations to attend.
There was nothing strange about it. At least, that was what I told myself.
I had an examination approaching too.
My first semester 300-level examination.
So I had no business sitting around staring at my phone every five minutes.
I had no business wondering why his messages had suddenly become shorter,had no business replaying our last conversation in my head. And I certainly had no business thinking about the kiss he had pressed against my forehead before leaving.
But I did all of it.
Quietly.
---
The first day passed.Then the second.
Then another.
Our conversations continued, but something had shifted.I couldn't put my finger on it.He still asked about my studies.Still told me to eat and called occasionally.
But there was a distance I hadn't felt before.I noticed it. Of course I did.
Fati noticed me staring at my phone one afternoon. “You're waiting for him.”
“I'm not.” I reply and put my phone away
She gave me a look.
“Se’ad.” I sighed.
“Maybe.”She smiled sympathetically “You're in love.”
“I know, the words cane out as if tired if staying hidden, It was the first time I had said it aloud. Not I like him.Not I care about him.Not I think I have feelings for him.
I knew I loved him.
And somehow admitting it made everything feel more serious.
---
My examination began.The first paper was difficult.The second was worse.
By the third, I was surviving on caffeine, little sleep and the determination not to disappoint myself.
Ridhwan checked on me almost every day.
“How did the exam go? Have you eaten?
Don't stress yourself.”
I would smile at those messages.
Sometimes I wondered whether he understood how much those little words meant to me.Perhaps he did or maybe he didn't.I didn't ask.
I was too busy trying to finish my examinations.
And besides, I had begun making plans in my head.After my exams, I would go home.
After his return from Lagos, we would see each other.
Maybe we would finally talk properly about the future.
Maybe—
Maybe I would finally ask him the question I had been carrying around for months.
Where is this going? Because we had already talked about marriage.
Not once.Not twice.Many times.
We had spoken about children,houses and where we might live.
About what kind of mother I wanted to be.
About what kind of father he wanted to become.We had held hands. He had kissed my forehead.
He had looked at me in that quiet way that made me believe there was something behind his silence.
Surely those things meant something.
Didn't they?
---
My final examination approached.The night before it, Ridhwan called.“You'll be fine.”
“ You don't know that.”you could tell how nervous i was from my voice
“I do.”
“How?”
“Because you're stubborn.”
I laughed.
“You and this stubbornness.”
“It's one of your best qualities.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
I smiled.
There was a pause.
Then I asked,
“When are you coming back?”
“Soon.”
“That's not an answer.”
“I'll let you know.”
I frowned.
“Promise?”
He was quiet for a second.
Then:
“Promise.”
I smiled.
“Okay.”
“Now go and sleep.”
“I'm studying.”
“You'll forget everything if you don't sleep.”
“I won't.”
“Se’ad.”
“Hm?”
“Sleep.”
I laughed.
“Goodnight, Ya Ridhwan.”
“Goodnight.”
I didn't know that it would be one of the last nights I would hear his voice and feel completely safe.
---
I finished my examination.Alhamdulillah.
we walked out of the examination hall feeling as though someone had finally lifted an enormous weight from my shoulders.
I had survived. Rge first that came to my mind was yo call YaRidhwan.
He answered.“Congratulations.”
I smiled.“Thank you.”
“You're finally free.”
“Alhamdulillah.”
He laughed softly.
“I knew you would do well.”
“I was so scared.”
“But you did it.”
I smiled.
There was something strange about his voice. But I didn't question him.
And somewhere in my mind, I had already imagined what would happen when I saw him again.Perhaps we would sit in his car somewhere quiet, he would hold my hand and tell me how much he had missed me.
Perhaps—I stopped myself.I was getting ahead of myself.
---
Gwagwalada Abuja
The Zarma house in Abuja felt different after months in Gombe.Familiar.Safe.
The familiar scent of Mama's perfume, sound of Labeeb running through the house.Abdullah arguing about something.
Muhammad hidden somewhere behind his laptop. Hauwa complaining about everything and nothing.
Abba's voice carrying from another room.
Home. I had missed it.
That first evening, Mama hugged me so tightly that I almost cried.
“Look at my daughter.”
“Mama.”
“You've lost weight.”
“I haven't.”
“You have.”
“Mama, please.”
She laughed.
“Come and eat.”
I smiled.
For the first time in months, I felt completely at peace.Perhaps I had been wrong to worry. Perhaps everything really was fine.
---
The next day, Ridhwan called.
“Se’ad.”
“Yes?”
“I need to tell you something.”Something inside me tightened. “What?”
He was quiet. Too quiet.
“Can we talk?”
“Of course.”
“Not now though phone.”My heart began beating faster. “When?”
“ Tonight.” for some reason I knew it wasn’t going to be good, but i pushed the thought away and simply replied “Okay.”
For the rest of the day my mind kept wondering what he wanted to say. I tried to convince myself it was something good.
Maybe he wanted to talk about his plans or discuss the future.
Maybe— I stopped myself again.
Hope. Always hope.
That was my problem.
---
That evening, I sat in my room waiting for his call.8:00 p.m.Nothing. 8:30. Nothing.9:00.
My phone finally rang.
I My hands answered immediately.
“Hello?”
“Assalamu alaikum.”
“Wa alaikumussalam.”
His voice was calm.
“You said you wanted to talk.”
“Yes.”
“I'm listening.”
There was a long silence.
Then he said,
“I don't know how to say this.”
I smiled nervously. “Just say it.” I could literally hear my heartbeat changing
Another silence.
“Se’ad…”
“Yes?”
“You know I care about you.”My smile disappeared.
“Yes.”
You're very important to me.”I swallowed. what the hell is wrong with him? just say it already
“Okay.”
“And I don't want to lie to you.”Something cold moved through my chest.
“Lie about what?
“I've thought about us.”
My fingers tightened around the phone.
“And?”
“I don't think I can give you what you want.”
My eyes staring at the wall, as though I could see him there
“What do you mean?”
“I care about you deeply.”
“Ya Ridhwan…”
“But I'm not in love with you.”Everything inside me went still.Not quiet.Still.
As though someone had reached inside my body and switched everything off.
I didn't understand the sentence yes i heard the words.
But somehow they refused to form a meaning.
“What?”
He repeated it gently.
“I'm not in love with you.”
I laughed.
It came out strangely.
A small, broken sound that didn't belong to me.
“You're joking.”
“No.”
“You're joking, right?”
“No, Se’ad.”
I shook my head even though he couldn't see me.
“But…”
I couldn't finish.
He remained silent.
I swallowed hard.
“But you…”
My voice cracked. I was stuttering unable to make sense of what was happening
“You told me…”
“I know.”
“You said…”
“I know.”
“You talked about…”
I stopped, gasping for airThe words wouldn't come. Our children. Our house.Our future.
All those conversations suddenly felt like photographs of a life that had never existed.
“You held my hand.” I tried to steady by breathing “ kissed my forehead.”
“You asked me how many children I wanted.”
His breathing changed.
“Se’ad…”
“No.”
My voice became smaller.
“You don't get to say my name like that.”
He went quiet.
I pressed my palm against my chest.
It hurt. Physically. Like something had been crushed beneath my ribs.
“I thought…”
My voice broke.
“I thought you loved me.”
“I do care about you.”
“That isn't what I said.” I slammed back in agony
“I know.”
“Then why?”
He didn't answer.
“Why did you let me believe this was going somewhere?”
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
“But you did.”
The words came out almost as a whisper.
“You did.”
He was silent.
I wiped my face.
I hadn't even realized I was crying.
“When did you decide this?” I asked
“I've been thinking about it.” he replied, cold
“How long?”
Another pause.
“I don't know.”
I laughed bitterly.
“You don't know?”
“Se’ad—”
“No.” I shouted a little
I wiped my cheeks again.
“You don't get to tell me you don't know.”
He didn't respond.
I looked around my room.
Everything was exactly where it had always been. Everything looked normal.
Yet nothing felt normal anymore.
“I loved you,” I whispered.
He said nothing.
“I loved you so much.”
My voice trembled.
“I prayed for you, prayed for us.”
My throat tightened.“Every night.”
He finally spoke. “I know.”
That broke something inside me.” I know” ? what exactly does he mean?
“You knew?”
“Yes.”
“And you still…”
I couldn't finish, my hands covered my mouth. A sob escaped anyway. I hated myself for crying,hated that he could hear it.
I hated that after everything, I still wanted him to comfort me, to suddenly say he had changed his mind.
I wanted him to say he had made a mistake.I wanted anything except the truth.
But he didn't. He remained quiet.
And that silence became the answer.
---
When the call ended, I remained seated on my bed.
I didn't cry immediately.That was the strange part, instead I simply stared ahead.
My phone was still in my hand,The screen had gone dark.I looked at my reflection in it.
My eyes looked unfamiliar.
I whispered,
“Se’ad…”
Nothing.
I waited for the pain to come.
It did.
All at once.
A violent sob tore out of my chest.
I bent forward, pressing my hand over my mouth so nobody outside would hear. But there was no stopping it.I cried until my chest hurt,Until my throat burned, my eyes swelled, breathing became difficult.
Everything I had been holding together collapsed in a single night.
The future I had imagined.The late-night conversations.The drives His hand in mine.
The way he had looked at me, things he had said, children we had joked about and the house we had never built.
The life we had never actually promised each other. It all came crashing down.
And the cruelest part was that I suddenly realized something. He had never promised me forever.
I had simply heard forever in everything he said.
---
The next morning, I woke up with swollen eyes.
Mama noticed immediately.
“Se’ad?”
I looked at her.
“I'm fine.”
She stared at me.
“No, you're not.”
I forced a smile.
“I'm just tired.”
Mama sat beside me.
She didn't press.
She simply pulled me into her arms.And that was when I realized how badly I had been pretending.I cried against her shoulder.
She stroked my hair.
“Ki yi hakuri, my daughter.”
I couldn't speak.She didn't know everything yet.
Not yet.
But mothers sometimes know when their child's heart has been wounded even before the child finds the courage to explain where the blood is coming from.
---
For the next few days, I tried to function normally.
I ate,prayed and studied, or at least i tried to
I laughed when someone said something funny, answered when spoken to, even smiled.
Everyone thought I was recovering.Perhaps I thought so too, told myself I would survive. That Allah would give me something better, that heartbreak was not death.
And technically, I was right.I was alive.
---
Two days later, I woke up and couldn't recognize my own room.The ceiling looked unfamiliar, the walls seemed too far away.My hands didn't feel like mine.
I sat up. For several seconds, I couldn't remember where I was. Then Mama's voice came from outside.
“Se’ad? My eyes moved toward the door.
Something inside me whispered that I had been here before.But another part of me insisted that this wasn't real.
My heartbeat became rapid.I looked at my hands again.Everything felt distant. Like I was watching my own life through glass.
I called for Mama.
She rushed inside.
“What happened?”
I stared at her.
“Mama…”
“Yes?”
“I don't understand.”
“What?”
I began crying.
“I don't know what's happening to me.”
And for the first time since Ridhwan had broken my heart, I understood that this was no longer simply heartbreak. Something was terribly wrong.
And none of us knew how deep it was going to go.