The NPC's Unreasonable Ambition

Ezikiel had three problems in life.

The first was that he was broke.

The second was that he was ugly.

The third was that his face somehow made the first two problems worse.

He stared at himself in the bathroom mirror.

"I'm not that ugly."

He tilted his head.

"Okay, maybe a little."

He leaned closer.

"At least I'm intelligent."

A moment of silence passed.

"Unfortunately, intelligence doesn't pay school fees, buy clothes, or make girls look at you twice."

He sighed.

Seventeen years of existence, and his greatest contribution to society was increasing the population by one.

Truly inspirational.

"Ezikiel!"

His mother's voice came from downstairs.

"You're going to be late for school!"

"I'm coming!"

He grabbed his schoolbag and hurried out of the bathroom.

Today was Monday.

His least favourite day of the week.

Not because of school. He actually liked learning.

He hated the people.

More specifically, he hated people who had somehow decided that his existence was a public inconvenience.

Last Friday, someone had hidden his shoes during break time.

The week before that, a girl had asked him to help carry her books, only to laugh when he agreed.

And yesterday, his class WhatsApp group had spent twenty minutes discussing whether he had ever spoken to a girl without apologising afterwards.

He had.

Once.

He'd accidentally stepped on someone's shoe and said, "Sorry."

Apparently, that didn't count.

Outside, the morning sun was already threatening to cook everyone alive.

Ezikiel adjusted his backpack and joined the stream of students heading towards the main road.

A yellow commercial bus drove past, its conductor shouting the destination as though he were announcing the arrival of a king.

Somewhere nearby, a woman was arguing with a customer over the price of tomatoes.

Normal morning activities.

Ezikiel had more important things to worry about.

One day, he would become famous.

Not necessarily a celebrity. He wasn't particularly interested in singing, acting, or dancing.

He simply wanted to walk into a room and have people acknowledge his existence.

Was that too much to ask?

Apparently, it was.

Because life had given him the personality of a main character and the social standing of an unrendered background character.

"Bro!"

Ezikiel turned.

Two familiar figures approached him.

The first was Daniel, his friend of three years and possibly the most gullible human being ever created.

Daniel once paid a boy five hundred naira to teach him how to wink properly.

He was still learning.

The second was Samuel, a suspiciously intelligent individual who trusted absolutely nobody.

Including Daniel.

Especially Daniel.

"Why do you look depressed?" Daniel asked.

"I'm contemplating the meaning of life."

Samuel glanced at him.

"You failed mathematics."

"Exactly. The meaning of life is clearly suffering."

Daniel nodded thoughtfully.

"That's deep."

Samuel looked at Daniel.

"Please don't reproduce."

"Why?"

"Natural selection has already suffered enough."

Ezikiel burst out laughing.

Daniel looked offended.

"One day, you people will regret disrespecting me."

"Of course," Ezikiel said. "When you become president?"

"No. When I become rich."

Samuel snorted.

"With what money?"

Daniel opened his mouth.

Closed it.

Then pointed at Samuel.

"Your negativity is why you're poor."

"We're all poor."

"Exactly. And look how negative you are."

Ezikiel laughed harder.

For a few minutes, everything felt normal.

Three unpopular boys walking to school, exchanging insults and pretending their lives weren't embarrassingly uneventful.

Then they reached the school gate.

And reality reminded Ezikiel of his place in the social hierarchy.

A sleek black car pulled into the compound.

Students immediately began gathering around it.

"That's Chidi's new car!"

"His father bought it for him?"

"Must be nice."

Ezikiel watched as Chidi stepped out, wearing sunglasses despite the fact that the sun hadn't fully committed to being outside yet.

Of course.

The man had apparently mistaken the school compound for a music video.

Girls greeted him. Boys slapped his shoulder. Someone even offered to carry his bag.

Ezikiel stared.

Then looked down at his own shoes.

One had a hole near the toe.

He looked back at Chidi.

"I hate capitalism."

Samuel heard him.

"You don't even have money."

"That's precisely why I hate it."

Daniel sighed dreamily.

"Imagine having a car."

"Imagine having enough money to put fuel in it," Samuel replied.

"Imagine having enough money to buy the fuel station," Ezikiel added.

They fell silent.

Then Daniel nodded.

"That's the dream."

The school bell rang.

And just like that, another day of academic suffering began.

***

By lunchtime, Ezikiel had experienced three separate humiliations.

First, his teacher had called him by the wrong name.

Twice.

Second, somebody had stolen the meat from his rice.

Third, he'd watched Chidi receive a confession letter from a girl who had rejected Ezikiel's Instagram follow request six months earlier.

Six months.

He remembered because he'd celebrated the day she accepted his follow request.

Only to discover she'd accepted everyone else's too.

A devastating blow to national security.

Ezikiel stabbed his rice with a fork.

"I need to change my life."

Samuel didn't look up from his food.

"Start by showering."

"I shower every day."

"Then increase the water pressure."

Daniel choked on his drink.

Ezikiel pointed his fork at Samuel.

"Your continued existence is becoming a personal attack."

"Likewise."

Ezikiel leaned back in his chair.

He was tired.

Tired of being overlooked.

Tired of being the punchline.

Tired of watching people with half his intelligence receive ten times his opportunities.

He wasn't asking to become the richest person in the world.

He wasn't asking to be the most handsome man alive.

He just wanted something different.

Something that would make people look at him and think, "Wow. That's Ezikiel."

Not "Who's that?"

Not "Oh, him."

Just Ezikiel.

Somebody worth remembering.

And if the universe wasn't going to give him that opportunity naturally, perhaps he needed to look somewhere else.

Somewhere unconventional.

Somewhere desperate people went when ordinary solutions failed.

He pulled out his phone.

Opened his browser.

And typed three words.

SHAMAN NEAR ME.

He stared at the search results.

Most of them looked suspicious.

One promised to restore lost love.

Another claimed to solve financial problems in forty-eight hours.

A third promised instant success, guaranteed.

Ezikiel squinted at the screen.

"Guaranteed success?"

He tapped the listing.

Then paused.

"Wait. If this works, why isn't this man using his powers to get better advertising?"

He considered that for a moment.

"Unless he's secretly a genius and this is all part of his plan."

Samuel's voice interrupted his thoughts.

"Why are you smiling at your phone?"

Ezikiel locked the screen.

"Nothing."

Samuel narrowed his eyes.

"You're doing that thing again."

"What thing?"

"The thing you do before making a terrible decision."

Daniel leaned over.

"Are you buying something?"

"No."

"Can I have it?"

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS!"

Daniel shrugged.

"I'm supporting your journey."

Ezikiel shoved his phone into his pocket.

He wasn't going to tell them.

Not yet.

Because, for the first time in a long time, he had a plan.

It was probably stupid.

It was definitely questionable.

And there was a very real possibility that it would end with him losing money he didn't have.

But what if it worked?

What if the answer to his problems wasn't studying harder, dressing better, or desperately trying to make people like him?

What if there was another way?

That evening, Ezikiel would find out.

And if the shaman's promises were true, his life would never be the same again.

If they weren't true?

Well.

At least he'd have a funny story to tell.

END OF CHAPTER ONE