The Quiet Between Thoughts

Sample · Chapter 1 The things I never quite understand

The Things I Never Quite UnderstoodI don't remember the exact moment I became lonely. I only remember that, one morning, I woke up and realised that silence had become the only conversation I never struggled to maintain.My name is Azriel. I'm twenty-three, and I suppose I'm at that age where people expect you to have some idea of what you're doing with your life.I don't.Well, not entirely.Most days are ordinary. I wake up, check my phone, occasionally ignore a few messages, eat something if I remember to, and get on with whatever the day has planned for me. I talk to people, laugh at their jokes, make jokes of my own and sometimes have conversations that leave me smiling long after they've ended.I wouldn't describe myself as unhappy.That would be unfair, especially considering the life I've had.I have a family. Both my parents are around, I have siblings from different sides of the family, and there's my younger sister, who probably knows more about my habits than I'd like her to.My father is a good man. He's the kind of person who believes that taking care of his family is one of the greatest ways to show love. He's not particularly good at expressing how he feels, though. Sometimes I wish he would say certain things instead of assuming I already know them.My mother is different.There's something about her that I've never quite understood. She's a loving woman, but I've always noticed a certain sadness in her. It's difficult to explain. She laughs, gets annoyed over little things, worries about everyone and goes about her day, but every now and then, I catch an expression on her face that makes me wonder what she's thinking about.I've never really asked.Perhaps I should have.Then there's my sister. She's younger than me, and if there's one person who can get on my nerves without putting in much effort, it's her. But I suppose that's part of having a younger sibling.Despite everything, I love my family.I really do.Which makes the next part a little difficult to explain.I've felt lonely for as long as I can remember.Not the kind of loneliness that comes from having nobody to call or nowhere to go. I've never really lacked company. There have always been people around me.Even as a child, I could be quite playful. I enjoyed making people laugh, spending time with friends and being part of whatever was happening around me.But I also had moments when I'd suddenly become quiet.Sometimes I'd sit somewhere and watch everyone doing their own thing. I'd listen to conversations, observe people and occasionally wonder what was going through their minds.I don't know why I did that.I still do it, actually.It's funny because people who know me would probably disagree with the idea that I'm a lonely person. I'm not always quiet, and I certainly know how to have a go...

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