SILENT SACRIFICE

KADDARAR ZUCIYA

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: 34

THE SILENT SACRIFICE

JIDDAAH BARKUM

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ABUJA… 

Tun bayan dawowarsu daga Katsina, Nana ta sake lura da wani abu da ya ƙara ɗaga mata hankali, Umar ya koma irin mutumin da ya kasance a kwanakin baya, shiru, nutsuwa mai cike da damuwa, dogon tunani, rashin cin abinci yadda ya kamata, da kuma kallon nesa, tamkar zuciyarsa tana wani wuri dabam da jikinsa, a daren jiya ma, Nana ta tashi tsakar dare domin ta sha ruwa, sai ta tarar da shi zaune shi kaɗai a balcony, hannunsa riƙe da cup ɗin coffee da tuni ya huce, idanunsa a lumshe kamar wanda yake yaƙi da wani abu mai tsananin nauyi a cikin zuciyarsa, ta tsaya a bakin ƙofar balcony tana kallonsa, “Yaya Umar…” Ya ɗago kai da sauri, da ganin ta, sai ya yi mata murmushin yaƙe, “Me ya sa ba ki yi bacci ba?” “Ni ya kamata na tambayeka wannan,” ya ɗan yi murmushi, “Bacci ne ya ƙi zuwa, shi ya sa na fito na sha iska,” ta san ƙarya yake yi, amma kamar yadda ta saba, ba ta tambaye shi komai ba, domin ta san babu amsar da zai ba ta, ta dai yi masa murmushi, ta ce, “Da zaman nan, gwara ka yi sallah, maybe bayan ka idar, bacci zai zo,” ya gyada mata kai a hankali, kafin ta juya ta koma ɗakinsu, amma zuciyarta ta ci gaba da raya mata abu guda, har yanzu… Har yanzu Inteesar ce, kuma har yanzu, Yaya Umar yana fama da ɗaukar nauyin soyayyar da ya san ba za ta taɓa zama tasa ba, ta lumshe idanunta cikin tausayinsa, “Allah, Ka yaye masa wannan jarabawar,” hakan kawai take iya yi, addu’a, saboda babu wani abu da ya rage da za ta iya yi masa.

BAYAN KWANA BIYU… 

Yammaci ne mai cike da sanyin iska, Nana ta karɓi baƙuncin ƙawarta Zaynab, suna zaune a falon gidanta bayan ta gabatar mata da plate mai ɗauke da kayan ciye-ciye da lemo mai sanyi, Zaynab tana ci tana ta yabawa, “Kai, Nana! Har yanzu kina nan da iya kayan ƙwadayi a hannunki, irin waɗannan kayan daɗin ai sai ki buɗe restaurant!” Nana ta yi murmushi kaɗan, “Ke dai kullum ba ki rasa magana,” Zaynab ta ci gaba da cin abincin, amma tana kallon ƙawarta da kyau, tun shigowarta ta lura Nana ba ta cikin walwala, murmushinta ba irin na da ba ne, akwai damuwa a idanunta, ta ajiye spoon ɗin hannunta, “Kawata…” Nana ta ɗago, “Uhmm?” “Kamar kina cikin damuwa,” Nana ta yi murmushin yaƙe, “Babu komai,” “Kada ki faɗa mini wannan,” Zaynab ta matsa kusa da ita, “Har yanzu maganar rashin haihuwar nan kike ɗorawa ranki?” Nan take fuskar Nana ta sauya kaɗan, Zaynab ta kama hannunta cikin taushi, “Kina kallon mijinki, Nana, wallahi, ko sau ɗaya ban taɓa ganin Yaya Umar ya nuna miki rashin jin daɗi saboda wannan al’amari ba,” ta ci gaba cikin tausasawa, “Mutumin nan yana zaune da ke lafiya, babu korafi, babu matsin lamba, babu wani canjin hali a gare ki saboda wannan, me ya sa za ki ci gaba da ɗaga hankalinki haka?” Ta ɗan yi shiru, sannan ta ƙara da cewa, “Komai lokaci ne, Nana, idan Allah Ya yi kina da rabon ganin jininki a duniya, wallahi za ki gani,” muryarta ta ƙara yin laushi, “Kina kallona ni ma,” ta yi dariya, “Gani nan har yanzu ko auren fari ban yi ba, ƙawayena da muka taso tare dukkansu sun yi aure, wasu ma yaransu sun fara makaranta,” ta ɗaga kafaɗunta, “Ni kuma? Har yanzu ina jiran mijin ma!” Ta ƙara yin dariya, tana ƙoƙarin sa Nana ta yi murmushi, “Amma ba ki ga na mutu da damuwa ba,” Nana ta sauke numfashi, “A’a, Zaynab…” Ta girgiza kai, “Ba wannan ne abin da yake damuna ba,” Zaynab ta gyara zamanta, “To, me ke damunki?” Nana ta yi shiru na wasu daƙiƙu, sannan ta ce cikin damuwa, “Yaya Umar ne,” nan take Zaynab ta ɗaga gira, “Me ya faru da shi?” Nana ta girgiza kai, “Ba wani abu ba ne,” “To, me ya same shi?” Nana ta sunkuyar da kanta, “Na rasa shi,” Zaynab ta daure fuska, “Ban gane ba,” “Soyayya ce ta kama shi,” nan take Zaynab ta yi dariya, “Ke ma ai kin san mijinki handsome ne, kuma kin san maza ai ba a rasa su da ’yan mata,” ta ɗan kalli Nana da kyau, “Wataƙila kin daina ba shi kulawa ne?” Nana ta girgiza kai da sauri, “A’a,” ta haɗiye miyau, “Soyayya ce mai tsanani,” “Kuma…” Ta ɗan yi shiru, kamar tana ƙoƙarin samun ƙarfin faɗin abin da ke zuciyarta, “…soyayyar abin da ya san ba zai taɓa samu ba,” murmushin Zaynab ya ɗauke, ta gyara zamanta sosai, “Ban gane ba,” ta kalleta da mamaki, “Abin da ba zai taɓa samu ba? Me kike nufi?” Nana ta sauke numfashi, “Na rasa abin da zan yi,” Zaynab ta zaro ido, “Kina nufin wata yake so? Matar da ta mutu ne ko me?” Nana ta ɗan gyara zamanta, ta fuskanci ƙawarta sosai, sannan ta ce a hankali, “Cousin ɗinmu…” Ta ɗan yi shiru, “Inteesar,” “…wadda take zaune a gidan nan,” Zaynab ta zaro idanunta gaba ɗaya, ta dafa ƙirjinta, “Subhanallah!” Ta kalli Nana kamar ba ta yarda da abin da kunnuwanta suka ji ba, “Kina nufin…” Ta kasa ƙarasa maganar, “Waccan yarinyar? Ƙanwarsa?” Nana ta gyada kai a hankali, “Ɗankari,” Zaynab ta jingina da bayan kujera gaba ɗaya cikin mamaki, sai kuma ta ce cikin rashin yarda, “Yau na tabbatar cewa ba ki da hankali!” Nana ta ɗago tana kallonta, “Me kike nufi?” Zaynab ta ware idanu, “Dama kin san akwai wani abu tsakanin ta da mijinki, yana sonta haka, kuma kika ci gaba da zaunar da ita a gidan kina kallonta?” Nana ta lumshe ido, “Ba haka ba ne,” amma Zaynab ta katse ta, “A’a, haka ne mana!” Ta girgiza kai cikin mamaki, “Wallahi, ni tun farko na lura da yadda Yaya Umar yake kallonta, na ce wataƙila saboda ƙanwarsa ce, amma ashe…” Ta girgiza kai, “Kai, Nana!” Ta sake kallonta, “Kina zaune kina kallon wannan yarinyar tana yawo a gabansa safe da yamma? Kina nufin ba kya tsoron wata rana ya furta mata abin da yake ji?” “Astagfirullah!” Ta faɗa cike da tashin hankali, “Ya riga ya sanar mata,” Nana ta faɗa cikin sanyin murya, Zaynab ta kafe kawarta da ido, “Amma, Nana, me ya sa kika ci gaba da zaunar da ita a gidan idan har kin san akwai irin wannan al’amari?” Nana ta share ɗigon hawayen da ya tsiyayo mata, sannan ta ci gaba da bayyana halin da ake ciki, “Ita kanta yarinyar, ba ki ga tashin hankalin da ta shiga ba lokacin da ta gano cewa Yaya Umar yana son ta a matsayin mata ba, har guduwa ta yi daga gidan nan!” Ta sauke numfashi, “Yanzu haka ma, kamar dole ne yake sa ta zauna a gidan nan saboda karatunta, tunda tana final year yanzu, kuma ina mai tabbatar miki, da zarar ta gama karatu, na san za ta bar gidan nan gaba ɗaya,” Zaynab ta yi shiru tana kallonta, Nana ta ɗan yi shiru, sannan ta ƙara da cewa, “Na yarda da hakan,” shiru ya mamaye falon, Nana ta sauke idanunta, Zaynab ta girgiza kai cikin tausayi, “Abin tausayi ne, wallahi, zuciya ba ta da adalci, wani lokaci mutum yana son wanda ba zai taɓa kasancewa nasa ba,” Nana ta yi shiru, saboda wannan shi ne abin da ya fi ba ta tsoro, ta san halin Umar, ta san irin mutumin da yake, kuma tana tsoron irin ciwon da yake dannewa a zuciyarsa, domin kowace rana… Tana kallon mijinta yana murmushi, yana yi mata dariya, yana yi mata komai na miji nagari, amma a bayan wannan murmushin, Nana tana ganin wani mutum da zuciyarsa take zubar da jini a hankali, kuma abin da ya fi karya mata zuciya… Shi ne cewa ba ta iya taimaka masa, ko kaɗan.

Zaynab ta zuba wa Nana ido cikin mamaki, har yanzu maganar tana mata nauyi a zuciya, “Waccan yarinyar?” Ta sake maimaitawa cikin rashin yarda, Nana ta gyada kai a hankali, Zaynab ta jingina da bayan kujera, tana kallon ƙawarta kamar tana kallon wani sabon shiri a talabijin, sannan ta ce, “Ni fa duk zato na, cikinsu ɗaya wallahi!” Nan take Nana ta girgiza kai da sauri, “A’a, Zee, ba haka abin yake ba,” ta sauke numfashi a hankali, “Yaya Umar a gidansu aka raina shi tun yana ƙarami bayan rasuwar iyayensa, a idonsa aka haifi Inteesar,” muryarta ta yi laushi, “A zahiri ma, ita kanta Inteesar tana kallonsa a matsayin yayanta na jini, wato kamar ciki guda suka fito,” ta yi shiru na ɗan lokaci, “Haka take ganinsa tun tana yarinya,” Zaynab ta ɗan buɗe baki, amma Nana ta ci gaba da bayani, “Har Daddy ya taɓa faɗa cewa tun farko akwai maganar haɗa aurensu, amma a kwanakin nan sai na ji Yaya Umar ya ce Daddy ya janye maganar, bai faɗa mini dalili ba,” ta ɗan yi shiru, “Ban taɓa sanin dalilin ba,” Zaynab ta gyara zamanta, tana kallon Nana sosai, Nana ta sauke numfashi, “Kuma ba Inteesar ce damuwata ba,” ta faɗa da sauri, kamar tana son kawar da duk wani tunanin cewa tana zargin yarinyar, “Ba na zargin yarinyar ko kaɗan, wallahi, yarinya ce mai mutunci, har yanzu tana girmama Yaya Umar kamar yadda take yi tun tana ƙarama,” ta girgiza kai, “Damuwata…” Ta yi shiru, idanunta suka cika da ƙwallar da ta kasa zubowa, “…halin mijina ne,” muryarta ta yi ƙasa sosai, “Yana ganin kamar yana ɓoye mini komai, wai yana ƙoƙarin yi mini ƙarya ne domin kada in damu,” ta yi murmushi mai ɗaci, “Amma ko yaya ya so ya ɓoye…” Ta dafa ƙirjinta, “…ina fahimtar halin da yake ciki,” ta ɗago tana kallon Zaynab, “Shekaru nawa nake tare da shi, Zee? Na san Yaya Umar fiye da yadda yake tunanin na san shi,” muryarta ta ɗan rawa, “Ko murmushinsa na ƙarya ne, ina ganewa, ko dariyarsa ta dole ce, ina ganewa, ko yana cikin damuwa, ko da bai yi magana ba, ina ganewa,” ta haɗiye miyau, “Kuma wallahi, abin da yake mini ciwo ba wai saboda wata mace yake so ba ne,” ta girgiza kai, “A’a,” ta share hawayen da suka taru a idanunta, “Abin da yake karya mini zuciya shi ne… ina kallon mutumin da nake so yana shan wahala a gabana,” muryarta ta fara karyewa, “Kuma ba na iya yi masa komai,” Zaynab ta yi shiru, ta kalli ƙawarta da wani irin tausayi, tana ƙoƙarin fahimtar irin nauyin da take ɗauke da shi a zuciyarta, “Yana son Inteesar sosai haka?” Nana ta yi murmushi mai rauni, “Fiye da yadda kike zato,” Zaynab ta sauke numfashi, “Subhanallah,” ta girgiza kai cikin tausayawa, “Allah Ya jarabci mijinki da soyayya mai wahala, ke kuma jarabawarki ita ce kallon mijinki yana son wata a gaban idonki,” Nana ta yi murmushi mai cike da tausayinsa, “Shi ya sa kullum addu’a kawai nake yi,” ta ɗago idanunta, “Saboda na san ba ni da ikon cire wannan ciwon daga zuciyarsa, kuma na san shi ma ba shi da ikon cireta daga zuciyarsa kawai saboda yana son ya daina jin hakan,” ta lumshe idanunta, “Abin da kawai nake roƙon Allah…” Ta ɗan yi shiru, “…shi ne kada Ya bar wannan soyayyar ta karya shi,” Zaynab ta kamo hannunta, “Nana…” Ta girgiza kai, “Wallahi, ke mace ce ta gari, da ni ne…” Ta kasa ƙarasa maganar, sai ta sake girgiza kai, “Da ba zan iya irin wannan haƙurin ba,” Nana ta yi murmushi a hankali, “Ba haƙuri ba ne, Zee,” ta ɗago idanunta sama, “So ne,” ta sake kallon ƙawarta, “Saboda ni ma ina son Yaya Umar, kuma idan kina son mutum da gaske, wani lokacin ba wai kina yaƙi da ciwonsa ba ne,” ta sauke numfashi, “Kina zama kusa da shi ne kawai…” “…kina yi masa addu’a…” “…kina kuma fatan wata rana Allah zai ba shi salama.”

A daidai lokacin… A ƙofar falon, ba tare da sun sani ba, Yaya Umar yana tsaye hannunsa riƙe da files ɗin aikinsa, ya dawo gida tun ɗazu, kuma tun kafin ya ƙaraso cikin falon, ya ji ƙarshen maganganun matarsa, musamman lokacin da ta ce, “…ina kallon mutumin da nake so yana shan wahala a gabana,” idanunsa suka lumshe a hankali, wani irin zafi ya ratsa zuciyarsa, ba saboda Inteesar ba, sai saboda Nana, matar da ko da bayan shekaru, har yanzu abin da ya fi damunta shi ne ciwon da yake ji, a hankali ya jingina da bango, yana riƙe da files ɗin hannunsa, ya kasa shiga falon, ya kasa motsawa, kalaman Nana sun shiga zuciyarsa ta wata hanyar da bai taɓa tsammani ba, ya san tana ƙaunarsa, ya san tana kula da shi, amma bai taɓa tunanin cewa tana lura da duk abin da yake ƙoƙarin ɓoyewa haka ba, she saw through every smile, every lie, and every attempt to pretend that he was fine, ya yi tunanin cewa idan ya ci gaba da nuna mata kulawa, ya yi mata murmushi, ya cika mata dukkan haƙƙoƙinta a matsayin matarsa, zai iya ɓoye mata abin da ke faruwa a zuciyarsa, amma ya manta da abu guda, Nana ta san shi, ta san lokacin da yake farin ciki da gaske, ta san lokacin da yake dariya domin kawai ya faranta mata rai, kuma ta san lokacin da zuciyarsa ke kuka a bayan murmushinsa, ya runtse idanunsa sosai, karon farko cikin rayuwarsa, Yaya Umar ya ji kansa ya tsani kansa, ba don yana son Inteesar ba, sai don ya fara ganin yadda wannan soyayyar take shafar matar da ba ta taɓa yin komai ba sai ƙaunarsa, matar da take yi masa addu’a, duk da cewa ba za ta iya ba shi abin da yake nema a cikin zuciyarsa ba, matar da take ƙoƙarin zama masa mafaka, alhali ita kanta tana fama da ciwon da ba ta iya bayyana wa kowa, ya dafe files ɗin da ke hannunsa, yana ƙoƙarin haɗiye wani irin nauyi da ya mamaye ƙirjinsa, Ya Allah… Me ya sa zuciyata ta zaɓi hanyar da take cutar da mutanen da suka fi cancanta su samu farin ciki? Ya buɗe idanunsa a hankali, yana kallon cikin falon ba tare da ya shiga ba, a wannan lokacin, wani buri ya fara ratsawa cikin zuciyarsa, da ma Allah Ya cire masa soyayyar Inteesar gaba ɗaya daga zuciyarsa, da ma zai iya kallonta kawai a matsayin ƙanwarsa, kamar yadda ta daɗe tana kallonsa a matsayin yayanta, da ma zuciyarsa za ta iya mantawa da abin da ba zai taɓa samu ba, domin wataƙila… Hakan ne kawai zai ba Nana damar yin murmushi ba tare da damuwa a zuciyarta ba, kuma zai ba shi damar komawa ga rayuwar da ya taɓa sani kafin wannan soyayyar ta zama wani nauyi da yake ɗauke da shi shi kaɗai, ya sauke numfashi a hankali, sometimes, the greatest sacrifice is not giving up what you have… but wishing you could stop wanting what you can never have, a wannan daren, Yaya Umar ya fara fahimtar cewa ba shi kaɗai yake shan wahala ba, kuma wataƙila, a cikin ƙoƙarinsa na ɓoye ciwonsa… Ya kasa ganin irin ciwon da Nana take sha saboda shi, the silent sacrifice of a woman who loved her husband enough to pray for the peace his heart could not find.