BABI NA ARBA'IN

  

KASA BACCI nayi da dare kuma na kasa wani kwakkwaran motsi. Idanuna nake rufewa ina buɗewa ahankali, se kuma stretching hannuna da nake ina kallon dogayen yatsuna da basu da lalle. At some point har tambaya nake meyasa na rasa mahaifina. Ina tambayar mahaifina me yasa ya tafi ya bar ni ya bar Umma na. Ina so nayi magana da mahaifina ina so na faɗa mishi halin da nake ciki amma kuma rashin shi shine dalilin shiga ta wannan yanayi da nake ciki. 

Inaji lokacin da ƙarfe ɗaya ta buga a agogon bango na. Tashi nayi na fito na wuce ɗakin Zaid. Ahankali na buɗe dakin shi saboda bana so na tada shi idan har yayi bacci. Amma ina shiga na samu yana kwance a gado idanun shi a buɗe. 

     “Baka yi bacci ba?” nace ahankali, kamar wata me yin raɗa

Kyakkyawan murmushin yayi min. Ban tsaya a ko ina ba se kwantawa da nayi akan jikin shi nasa hannuna a nashi. 

“Na kasa yin bacci ne” na sanar dashi 

Sumar kaina ya shafa be ce komai ba se ya ɗaura hannun shi a bayana. 

Shiru muka yi babu me cewa wani abu. Ban matse hannuwan mu ba but they're intertwined ina sanin cewa i have a place to go to in my hardest times. 

   “How do you feel?”

Ban yi magana ba jin tambayar da Zaid ya min ina tunanin yadda zan sa abinda nake ji a cikin zance. 

    “Sad. Angry. My heart feels heavy. I'd want to cry more and scream but I don't want to scream because I fear I'll go mad if I scream”

Hannuna Zaid ya riƙe sosai a nashi kafin kuma naji ya saki. 

    “I don't know what to tell you, Diza. Because if I say I know what exactly you are feeling, then I'd be a liar. I don't know if it gets better with time. I have no idea. Just know that you have me. You can come to me whenever you want. You can call me anytime you deem fit. I wouldn't mind. I'm a shoulder for you to cry on. You should never forget”

Duk naji abubuwan da Zaid ya faɗa. Abubuwan da ya faɗa ne da abubuwan da nake ji a zuciya ta suka sani kuka. Hannuwan mu da suke intertwined suka saki sosai ina so na ƙara riƙewa sosai amma bani da ƙarfin yin hakan. Nasan auren Zaid da nayi na ɗaya daga cikin alfarmar Ubangiji na. Nasan Zaid na daban ne kuma ina godewa Allah da yasa nake ganin hakan ba bayan nayi sakaci sosai a zaman mu ba. Sannan kuma nasan Zaid mutum ne kuma miji ne, miji wanda ya isa a kira shi da miji har ma fiye da kiran shi miji. Kuma yanzu na kasance me tsananin kishin Zaid, irin kishin da ban taɓa yiwa wani mahaluki ba. Ina roƙar Allah yasa ba ze taɓa ganin wata mace da sunan ta birge shi ya aure ta ba saboda bana tunanin zan iya sharing Zaid da wata. It's either me and no one else or not me but someone else. 

Kukan da nake yi ne ya kasa tsayawa naji Zaid ya fara magana “You'll be down with headache, Diza”

Fuska ta na ƙara sanyawa a cikin jikin shi nasan na lalata mishi riga da hawaye har ni kaina ina jin wurin yayi sanyi yayi damp. 

  “i'm afraid this will make you sick” ya ƙara faɗa tare da ƙoƙarin tada ni amma se na ƙara shigewa a jikin shi. Sakina yayi domin kamar ana cewa na ƙara kuka nake ji and he let me cry a little more. 

Muna haka tare dashi kukan da nake yi ya tsaya. Cire ni yayi a jikin shi ya raka ni banɗakin shi na wanke fuska ta. Yana riƙe da hannuna muka dawo ɗaki ya zaunar dani. 

    “Na kawo miki tea, Diza?” ya faɗi yana kallo na

Girgiza mishi kai nayi. “I'm okay” na faɗa duk da murya ta bata fitowa 

    “Zo muyi bacci kar mu fara yawon asibiti ace kina da insomnia” ya faɗa cikin wasa yasa har se da nayi murmushi 

“Which side of the bed do you like?” yace, murmushi nayi nasan duk so yake ya sani fara'a. 

     “The side that has a socket so I can be charging my phone and be pressing it”

Murmushi Zaid yayi nima nayi murmushi tare dashi.

“Baki san idan dare yayi ba'a danna waya ba?”

Idanuna na buɗe, jazir da suka yi yana ƙara fitowa nace “Allah? Ban sani ba se yanzu kake faɗa min”

“Okay yanzu ina faɗa miki. Idan lokacin bacci yayi, bacci ake yi ba'a danna waya”

     “Amma da gaske kake?” na tambaye shi saboda yadda naga yanayin fuskar shi tayi

     “Da gaske fa”

   “Amma za'a bar Diza ta danna wayar ta saboda Diza babba ce ba ƙarama ba”

   “No, no. Diza is a baby in this house”

Dariya nayi jin abinda Zaid ya faɗa yayi murmushi yace “Lay down and sleep, Diza. I want you to sleep”

   “I'm not sleepy” na faɗi mishi tare da maida fuska ta ta zama sullen 

    “Why? You have to sleep. You have work tomorrow so if you don't sleep today, how do you expect to be productive at work?”

“Baccin ne fa baya zuwa” na amsa shi

     “A'a, yau ze zo. Bana son ki da tired eyes. Ki kwanta”

       “You should lay down first then I'll lay down on you”

     “My chest hurts” yace yana kallona cikin idanu 

         “Is that your surgery?”

Da sauri ya girgiza kai. 

“Menene?”

 “It does hurts idan ana kwantawa akai”

Murmushi nayi na kwanta. A gefe na Zaid ya dawo ya ɗaura hannun shi a baya na yana rubbing. Idanuna a buɗe suke ina blinking ahankali slowly. 

Ban san ya akayi idanuna suka cika da hawaye ba amma nasan tunanin Abba na ne a cikin raina. Zaid na fara jin na fara wani kuka ya tsaya daga rubbing da yake min and stay still with his hand on my back be ce komai ba. 

A haka har na samu nayi bacci bansan lokacin da nayi ba. 

Zaid kallon Hadiza yake, irin kallon nan na tausayin abinda wani yake ciki amma ba zaka iya cire mishi zafin zuciyar shi ba. Shima a haka yayi bacci amma baccin shi be yi nauyi ba ko kaɗan. Yana jin yadda yake buɗe idanu yana rufewa. 

An jima ba dayawan da za'a ce gari ya waye ba ya fara jin ana magana “Ba zaka ƙara tafiya ka bar mu ba, Abba?”

  “Dan Allah kar ka ƙara tafiya Abba. Ban jin daɗin wannan tafiyar naka ka zauna tare damu”

Koda Zaid ya buɗe idanun shi yaga Hadiza na magana fuskar ta shar da hawaye tana miƙo hannun ta tana faɗin “Ka zauna tare damu. Na yarda ba zaka ƙara tafiya ba”.

Hannun ta da take miƙowa Zaid ya riƙe, anan ne ta buɗe idanun ta hawaye sun wanke fuskar ta tana ɗauke da look of disappointment saboda ba mahaifin ta taga ya riƙe mata hannu ba ashe mafarki take yi. Hannunta ta cire a na Zaid ahankali ta tashi daga gado ta koma chan wurin kujera ta zauna ƙasa tare da sa kanta a cikin laps ɗin ta ta cigaba da kuka. Zaid tashi yayi ya dawo wurin ta amma ba kusa da ita sosai ba kuma ba nesa ba sosai. Tsaye yayi ya folding hannuwan shi a kirji yana kallon ta tare da sauraren ta tana kuka. 

Zaid doesn't think Hadiza is being dramatic or acting up everything. He understands loss, especially that of a responsible parent. He understands that she's experiencing this for the first time. He understands that Hadiza doesn't know how to carry all her feelings. He understands Hadiza doesn't know what is going on with her but she has her devastated and heartbroken feelings of her loss. He understands that she has questions as to how and why all of a sudden she lost her father. And he understands that Hadiza loved her father profoundly. And he understands that this devastation, this grief, will never fully leave Hadiza. She'll live with that scar and that pain for the rest of her life. She only has to learn to live with it, because grief doesn't come to leave. It has always come to stay. And grief is the price we pay for loving deeply.

~~~~~~~

I'll go and look for my own ZAID oo. Hmm!